Category: Daily Living
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but here goes... I often get "grabbed" by strangers, when I go about, especially when I'm on a platform, keeping an eye on the edge of the track with my cane. People suddenly come up to me, and take hold of my arm, around my shoulders, my hand or my cane without asking if I want them to, and I just can't stand it. I feel, they're invading my private zone, and though I know, they do it to be kind, I get really pissed off, when it happens. I always try to tell them, it's ok in a nice way, but it's like it makes me more and more annoyed each time, it happens, and I fear, I will freak out on someone one dday. I find it hard to be friendly, when my mind wishes, I would say get away from me or stop touching me. Some people say, one reason, it might happen, is because I'm small, and that may make people think, I'm weak or helpless, but knowing that doesn't really help me. Is there anything, I can do that will make people less tempted to grab me, or is there a way that I can get used to people doing it? Going away from a track edge won't solve the problem, because if I'm too far from it, I often don't walk straight ahead, and I begin to fear, I'll suddenly fall over it. Besides, people do this in other places too, if they think, I'm going to bump into stuff. Any ideas will be much appreciated. I don't want to freak out on people, if I can help it.
Don't tell them it's okay for one thing. IT's not okay. They're invading your personal space, doing an action that they certainly wouldn't allow someone to do to them.
Generally I start out by telling them thank you but II'm fine. Do it politely but firmly. If they don't get the point, tell them "I'm fine. Please let go of me." If they still continue to try to insist just tell them flat out "leave me alone." You can vary this depending on the situation. But it is absolutely not alright for people to just grab you. IT's at the very least impolite, and at worst, borderline assault.
I also have the habit of sensing when people are trying to grab me and moving my arm or whatever they're trying to grab, so they never actually get a hold on me.
You may ask "won't I offend someone by doing this?"
The answer is honestly, probably. But they're being offensive and rude, whether they mean to or not. You are just like anyone else, with the dignity of anyone else.
For the record, I'm not saying you should never accept help. Not in the slightest. But get help on your own terms. IF you need directions, ask for them, etc. If someone offers to help you with kindness and politeness, and you feel that you need something, such as directions, or to know what's nearby, there's nothing wrong with accepting their offer.
:) Those are my thoughts on the matter. Keep in mind I'm generalizing.
i used to be kind of ignorance in this matter. i don't like it but i don't usually tell them, however, i learn, either i take the move or let them get in to my private zone. i agree on the last poster. i usually tell them that i'm absolutely fine and thanks them for offering their help in a polite way without upsetting them.
similarly, thats the same with me and my guidedog nowadays. people like to pad her, and that will of course entering our private space too. with her, i would be more firmly cause, it is the general public knowledge that they not allow to talk or pad a working dog when they are working. instead of tell them off, i will usually let them know that she's a working dog, and how it would have change her behavior if they do pad her. most time, people will just walk away, other time, we'll make the move.
i guess, the key is to be assertive and polite at the very same time.
most people do wanna help, but they do not know how to approach a blind person. instead of getting upset or frustrated, is to educate the public what we need them to help us when we needed, in a correct way.
hope this make sense
cheers
Thanks a lot for your advice. I wonder how you sense when someone is about to grab you. I'd really like to learn that. To me, it always seems to happen out of the blue, and when I get to the point where I want to tell whoever it is to let go of me, it's usually already over, because all the time is spent saying I'm fine, thanks, and then, the person leaves, and I'm left with my frustration.
I'm facing such problems often. most of the indian alcoholic citizens will take more care to us while they got drunk. Even if we're repeatedly saying that "I'm fine, I can manage by myself", they won't leave us alone. they say, I'm going by that way, and I'd like to help you.
and, another thing, which I'm not afending anyone but just thought of sharing it with y'all. most of the converted christians here used to do their propoganda while we are awaiting for crossing the roads or the railway tracks. they will keep on ask or in another word, insist me to get converted into christian. by telling that god will give me the vision in few days. I normally will be polite to them and will say, o ok. thanks for your advice, I'm happy being blind.
and, there are another few, they use to help us. but holding the other end of our cane and will pull us like an engine pulling the train wreck. I normally will be rude with them and will say, no no no. please leave me alone. I'll manage by myself.
so I guess we have to act according to the situations. as per me, I'll get more anoyed if someone is guiding me by pulling my cane, though. and, I don't like alcoholic guidance as well. while they themselves are not in their control, how come they will guide us right? hmmmm?
Raaj.
To the originater of this topic, YOu say that you are small in stature. I'm wondering if that coupled with vision loss indicates to some that perhaps you need more assistance than you in reality do. One thing that might help you is your "body language". If you visually portray a person who is lost or confused, this might lead people to make assumptions. If you walk rather slowly or have a different gait, this might lead people to that conclusion. Just some thoughts on the matter. I agree with much of what was said by others here.
Lou
I agree with Lou on the last post. I think people seem to try and help if you're walking fairly slow or looking lost or something. I find when people try to hold your arm or cane it is very annoying, so tell them I'm fine and they normally just go away. What I do find helpful though is when people ask which bus you're waiting for and let you know that the bus has arrived because the bus stop at Tesco's here in Hereford is massive. Hope that helps a bit.
as Lou said, body language tells people *alot. If you act like you know where you're going, head up, shoulders normal, walk at a constant decent pace, (especially that last one), people are more likely to think "Oh, she knows where she's going," even if you don't actually know exactly.
AS for my ability to sense when people are going to try to grab me, it's... Partially instinct. I always try to be very aware of where people are around me, and people often go to certain positions around you to try to grab you. Also, sometimes they'll touch me, but I'll move my arm so they can't actually get a grip. IT's reflexes, and probably some of having had people try to do it to me enough that I sorta can expect it. Not sure if that helps any.
hmm, agree with the last poster, its instinct that reacts. i'm a relatively fast walker, with both cane and dog. i guess, its walk with confident, even though you might not necessary knowing where you heading, but you will give people the impact that you can do it and you actually know how to do it.
sometime though, with buses or trains, people do wanna help me to get in and out. instead of helping me, they could be an opsticle for me to accurately target the door and stuff.
i've some sight left, , i guess that helps me to identify the situation or someone who trying to grab me. if that ever happen i'll move around with a very uncomfortable movement. first, to let them know that they have enter my very private space using my body language, and second, to show respect to them as well as myself with my movement i guess.
but totally agree with Miah, is the instinct, as well as senses.
people usually like to grab an blindy arm or shoulder from the back of either side, so, just be aware of that gap you may have with other...
personally, i have incedent where they tried to lead me crossing the road with grabbing me my arm and pushing me around, and as the result, i actually end up in another corner of the road that i don't intent to. instead of don't know what to do, i actually let them know what they have done, and show them the right technic to sighted guide the blindies.
i guess, it is still "assertive but in a polite way". more you do it, more you will get use to it, and you'll be comfortable and knowing what to do.
cheers
I agree with both of Nehemiah's posts on this topic. I start out by being friendly, but if I am not listened to, I can get a lot nastier. Sometimes I will ask the person, "What would you think if someone did to you what you just did to me?" Or, "Would you do this to a sighted person? Do you make a habit of grabbing people in public." That tends to make them stop and think, and they stammer all over themselves. As I say, being friendly is the best course, but if that's not listened to, get pushy right back. After all, that's what they're being by grabbing you. And, if possible, if the friendly approach works, try to explain to them that you know their intentions are good, but you know where you're going, and that by grabbing you, or trying to force their asistance on you, they are actually disorienting you more, and thereby harming you instead of helping you.
Thanks a lot everyone for the good advice. Soundds like I'll have to get better at not walking so slowly. I find it difficult on a platform, where I don't feel safe, but it might get better with some more practice.
You'll need to be cautious on a platform if you're unsure; cautious is okay but never, never timid.
My daughter - who can see - was nine years old when we first moved into the downtown part of the city. I had to teach her these very concepts so she wouldn't be approached - I just wanted to ensure if she ever needed to walk unaccompanied that she had the skills to do it. I think to avoid timid, it's a matter of desensitization. And I agree with all those who advocate a firm disposition; this is no time to worry about offense. By firm, I mean the demeanor of a community police or neighborhood watch person . If you tend to be rather flighty or skittish, that's an upper hand for them. And frankly, you don't know they want to help you. They may as easily try and take something from your pocket, same concept but different context as we parents teach kids about someone they don't know. This is not rude or offensive, but tending your own security as well as that of anyone - especially a minor - that's with you.
i absolutely hate those who grab the cane, this is a complete no no.